


Closer

by minifreckles



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Sad, Self-Harm, i wrote this when i was really fucking sad so its really sad sorry, malum is end game
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-03
Updated: 2016-08-02
Packaged: 2018-07-29 00:23:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7662946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minifreckles/pseuds/minifreckles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He remembers standing on shaky legs and making his way to his bathroom, carefully avoiding his reflection in the mirror before climbing into the shower and turning the hot water all the way up. He remembers how even though it felt like his skin was being peeled off by the burning water, breathing was just a little bit easier.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I drank too much and that's an issue but I'm okay

Michael remembered the crushing weight, the feeling of not being able to breathe because something was pushing in on him from every angle. He remembers his heart feeling hollow, and he remembers the nights he spent with his playstation abandoned and his tv unplugged while he sat on his floor in the dark, tears falling from his eyes without his permission. He remembers standing on shaky legs and making his way to his bathroom, carefully avoiding his reflection in the mirror before climbing into the shower and turning the hot water all the way up. He remembers how even though it felt like his skin was being peeled off by the burning water, breathing was just a little bit easier.

Michael remembers promising himself to never let anyone else see how hard it was for him to breathe, to never let anyone see him cry. He remembers breaking that promise the first time they flew to the UK to write and record. Luke had hugged him and silenced his tears with whispered assurances that the plane ride would be fine, and they would be back home before they knew it. Michael remembers wondering where home even was for him anymore. But he also remembers his friends taking extra care with him and forcing him into cuddle piles whenever they thought he needed reminding of how loved he was. He remembers learning to laugh and his smiles being genuine again. He remembers finding his happiness again in the way that Luke would lie with him at night and talk about the war going on inside his head; in the way that Calum would act like a complete idiot just to get a smile out of him and would literally growl at anyone who upset him; and in the way Ash would make sure he was eating, and always ask if he wanted to talk about anything.

Michael was better, he was fantastic, even. They supported One Direction on two world tours and finally put their first album out and had their first headlining world tour planned. Everything was amazing, everything was perfect.

Michael remembers meeting girls who told him that they stopped harming themselves because of them. How good that made him feel and how for a while, his demons stayed at bay and he was able to be genuine with his laughter. But then they went home, and the demons rushed forward and wrapped themselves back around his heart and his brain. He remembers taking more of those showers, he remembers silently wishing that he hadn’t been hiding this for so long. That maybe if he had let people know his world wouldn’t be caving in so badly.

He remembers hating himself when his dad took him driving for the first time and his first thought when driving through the intersection was ‘what if a truck runs through the stop sign and smashes into the drivers side door’. He remembers wondering how long it would take him to die from the injuries, and he remembers how he dug his fingernails into his arm hard enough to scrape away a few layers of skin to try stop those thoughts.

What he doesn’t remember is the first time he sliced into his own skin, seven little lines on his thigh. He came back to reality with the scissors lying bloody on the floor, tears streaking his pale face, and a small puddle of blood pooled on the floor of his bathroom. He does, however, remember gasping and stumbling to his feet to get into the shower. He remembers the intense pain when the hot water slid down past the fresh cuts and not quite knowing if he was actually crying because the tears just mixed into the water.

He remembers having four missed calls when he finally cleaned everything up and got back into his room, all from Cal. His knees gave out and he fell to the floor. How could he have done this? What would Cal even say? He couldn’t know. Michael couldn’t do that to his best friend.

“Hey, Cal what’s up?” He forced a smile onto his face even though Calum wasn’t here to see, and made plans to meet up with him in a half an hour. All Michael wanted to do was crawl back into bed and cry until there was nothing left of him but he had to push on. He had to do this for his friends.


	2. Since the last time we kissed I learned a thing or two

Michael had been trying to keep it together for the entire show, and he was doing really well in his opinion. But he saw the looks Calum was giving him, he had managed to avoid talking much at all that night and when the other’s tried to pull him in he cracked a joke until everyone was laughing and he was forgotten. He could see his best friend shooting him frustrated glances, wondering what the fuck was up, but all he could focus on was trying not to let the crushing weight in his chest fuck him up. He tried to lose himself in the set, tried to give everyone his all but he was barely getting enough air to sing his solos. The edges of his vision started to black halfway through ‘she looks so perfect’ and it was all he could do to not fall over in the middle of the stage; and then finally, finally, he was able to run backstage and stumble past Dave who looked like he wanted to stop him and shut himself in the bathroom just off the dressing room.

“Michael! Mikey! Hey!” He opened his eyes to find Calum knelt in front of him holding the sides of Michael’s face and brushing his cheeks lightly. When did he end up on the floor? “You with me, Mikey?” Calum’s voice was soft and steady and Michael found himself bringing his arms up and clinging to Calum tightly. “Shhh, it’s okay dude, everything’s fine, you're gonna be okay. I promise.” Calum was trying his best to keep it together, to make sure that Michael felt safe even though all he wanted to do was scream and figure out what the fuck was wrong with his best friend.

“I-I’m sorry, I don’t know what happened.” Michael’s voice was shaky and distant, like he wasn’t really there. “I think I just need to be alone for a minute.” Calum glared at him. “I’m fine, Cal, really, I just need a minute.” Calum, as always, was reluctant to leave Michael alone. Ever since he found those scars that littered Michael’s thighs a few months back. But Ashton and Luke eventually dragged him away and Michael was left having a little more trouble breathing. Calum was his sun, his light. He always worked so hard to get Michael to crack a smile, to drag him out of the darkness that always engulfed him. 

Michael pulled himself up using the sink, but made sure to avoid his reflection in the mirror. He ran the cold water and splashed some on his face before scrunching his face up and screaming, his fist smashing into the mirror. Why the fuck couldn’t he be normal? Why could all of his friends live normal lives and he had to put up with his fucked up brain?

“Michael! Michael, hey!” Calum’s arms were suddenly around him again as well as Luke and Ashton’s this time. 

“Shit man, you fucked your hand up pretty good.” Luke had a hold of his hand and Michael hissed as he began pulling shards out of the broken skin. “Ash, go get me a first aid kit.”

Michael felt a wet spot on his shirt and knew that Calum was crying on his back. “I’m sorry.” He croaked out and Calum’s arms squeezed him even tighter.

“Love you, Mikey. We’ll fix this, we’ll get you help, everything will be okay again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had this written already but still lemme know if you guys like it cause i'll try and update on a regular basis rather than just whenever i get inspired

**Author's Note:**

> I basically wrote this when I was having a really tough time and the only way I could express myself was by doing this. I'm gonna try and update it if people like it, if not it'll just stay as it is- so let me know. The chapters are probably gonna be small since I'm just getting back into writing after not going near it for close to three years.


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